I guess I have pretty much decided.
No matter how much I feel, think, or believe that it's wrong,
it seems like the best way out.
Or maybe just the easy way out.

Honestly, I cant be sure if I can live with it.
I'm not sure if I will not regret about it.
I cant even be sure if I will be able not to blame myself,
or anyone, or anything about it.
For down to the root, I still believe this is not the right choice.

You can say that it's legal and people are doing it.
You can say that it's stopping the suffering before it last a lifetime.
You can say that it's just delaying its arrival to a later time.
You can say whatever you want to make yourself feel better.

But there will always be both sides of everything.

You cannot deny that you are ending a life even though it's legal.
You cannot deny that you arent sure if the suffering would come true.
You cannot deny that you can never know if that is true.

But still, I have pretty much decided.
That no matter what you say,
no matter what I think,
this is the path we are walking down.

I cant promise you that I wont cry about it.
(In fact, I have cried too much for it)
I cant promise you that I can get over it.
I cant promise you that I can plan again in another few years from now,
as if none of this had ever happened.
For that would be ending someone's life and never feel any guilt about it.
(And I dont think you can deny that despite all the sufferings
she made you go through by insisting not to abort,
she is still entitled to a part of you for the rest of your life.)

Even having said so,
I can work hard to convince myself like I always have been,
that this is the path that I have chosen,
so you wont have to suffer whatever has been dragging
you down all your life and fulfill whatever arrangements
you have to accept in order to build our future.
So that I will be able to do the things I love and be happy,
without having to sacrifice anything.
So that we can prepare and plan the next physically, mentally and financially.

But no matter what, at the back of my mind,
it is almost impossible to convince myself,
because when they say whatever damages your divorce brings
will spill over to me, I never expect it to cause the death of an unborn child.