I must really admit that I think better, penning things down.
Or simply typing things out.
As much as I wanna be happy for the decision I've made,
I cant help but think about how things would be like if I've chosen otherwise.

With one whole week of hospitalization leave,
I stayed at home alone for the whole time,
with Him waking up earlier to fetch Yuuki to school
and coming back only after settling his everything.

I can really say that I enjoyed it at first.
I tried to do as much housework as I can.
But when there's so much to be done,
yet there's so much that I cant do,
I got a little helpless, frustrated, and even demoralized.
There are so many things that he has to do,
too many for him to even cope,
and I'm of no help at all.

Then, it hit me suddenly when he told me about Ms Tooth
watching Yuuki for the weekend.
On top of how much I hate to hear anything about her,
I came to realize that whatever that is taking up most of our time,
holding up back, keeping us from moving forward to our future,
is not our responsibility.
Or at least, the time we spent on this responsibility
is far too much than it should be.

I totally understand that this would be a bad way to put it.
We have made sacrifices, changes in lifestyle,
given up on things that should be held on to,
just so we can take care of Yuuki.
I can totally convince myself previously that
those sacrifices and changes will be worth it,
Because we are going to take him in as a part of the family
and he will be our responsibility.

But right now, with Ms Tooth insisting that
no matter how tough it is, she wants the child,
yet she is throwing every responsibility
with excuses that are not at all valid,
I just cannot see the point in all this shit anymore.

Why should I be taking care of her son,
when whatever she had done so far actually
contribute to my decision to kill my own child?
(Even though I know that it still boil down to me.)

I cannot be happy with anything about him anymore.
Because every laugh of his could have been my child's,
if I've given it a chance.
Because every breath he takes could be synced to my child's
if I've insisted longer.

You can say that I'm regretful,
but I would say that I did not make that decision for this.
He can question my love and ask,
"How can you say such a thing to me?"
like everything that ever happened was all my fault.
Maybe I should reply with a
"How can you bring me into this mess?" or
"How can you expect me to be happy 24/7,
entertaining you like it should be the only thing I ever have to do?"
to make him feel the guilt I did.

He can complain that the person he doesnt want
keep coming back to him, and the person he wants
keep trying to leave him.
Maybe I should remind him that
he gave the person he doesnt want
the power and rights to hurt and harm him,
and everyone will think that it's nothing wrong.
Simply because he married her and she bear him a child,
(which in turn demand his commitment no matter what he think)
and there is nothing he can do than to accept.
Yet he expects the person he wants to always
cheer him on and support him like
there's nothing on earth that bring her down.
And every time she fall short from that,
she would be confronted that it's not what
she's supposed to do. Maybe she's just not supposed to be.

I would wanna be happy all the time too.
Life would be so much easier that way.
But I believe I have been going on too long
without much recharge. I feel so drained.
I guess I need a break. From everyone else.
I guess I need to be alone. With myself.
I guess I need that recharge I need,
but for now, I guess I will stay.
Strong. With him. Being me.

For,
my words, He does not understand.
my feelings, He does not recognize.
my tears, He does not comfort.